The Standard Deviation

October 24, 2026

CONSUMER PRICES FALLING RAPIDLY

Palm Beach, Florida.—Trying to read prepared remarks in front of the Apricot House, Sunday’s Press Secretary, Tiffany Brooks, announced that there was “wonderful” news on the inflation front. New data from Trump’s recently created Department of Real Data show that consumer prices are now 10% lower than they will be a year from now. Brooks said that this is further evidence that Trump had singlehandedly reversed the damage done to the American economy by Sleepy Joe Biden, who was the worst president in American history, not counting Obuma’s disastrous presidency.

Brooks also read that, because of this good news, Republicans are likely to sweep the impending midterm elections, which will allow Donald (“America”) Trump to continue his three-pronged campaign to Make America Great Again (MAGA), Make America Healthy Again (MAHA), and Make America White Again (MAWA).

Brooks noted that, in addition to deporting murderous dark-skinned thugs, Trump allowed 16,292 refugees to be admitted to the United States in fiscal 2026, of which 16,287 were from South Africa. After the Republican landslide in the midterms, Trump will increase the previously announced cap of 17,500 to 35,000 South Africans.

In other good economic news, Brooks said that Trump has reduced mail deliveries to three days a week—Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. “This will save hundreds of millions of people pointless trips to check their mailboxes for junk mail four days a week.” Redundant mail workers will be offered I.C.E. jobs—no experience or training required—where they can leverage their intimate knowledge of local neighborhoods and residents to send scum back to the shithole countries they came from. Dismissed mail workers will also be offered jobs as butlers, maids, cooks, and other household staff for Silicon Valley tech bros and members of the Trump family.

Brooks refused to answer any questions, but did smile vapidly as she was escorted away by two of Trump’s South African bodyguards.

Media Contact:

Press Office of President America Trump

Apricot House, Palm Beach, FL

press@americatrump.com