The Standard Deviation

On his Truth Social site, Donald ("America") Trump announced that

I had to TEAR DOWN the White House, because it was a total disaster overrun by giant rats!!! From now on, YOUR FAVORITE PRESIDENT will live in Mar-a-Lago, which is TWICE THE SIZE of the White House and an INCREDIBLE!!! tribute to ME!

Atlantic Industrial Coatings will build a TREMENDOUS 9-hole, pitch & putt golf course where the White House used to be, the likes of which nobody's ever seen before. The best ever, the best in history. NAVY SEALs will guard the course 24/7 to make sure that DUMOCRATS!!! and other radical left lunatics don’t vandalize the course. My dear friend Putin has already said that he can’t wait to play, as soon as Ukraine agrees to stop their TOTAL DISASTER war!

Many people are saying that I should have done this years ago because Mar-a-Lago is so BEAUTIFUL!! and the White House is a COMPLETE DISGRACE!! I also signed an executive order last night to replace the words “White House” in all public and private documents with “Apricot House.” Many people are saying that everyone who works at Mar-a-Lago should be required to have the Mar-A-Lago look, like my incredible wife MELANIA TRUMP, Kristi Noem, and Kimberly Guilfoyle. I AGREE!!! I will be SURROUNDED by BEAUTIFUL people like ME!!

Speaking in front of the Apricot House, accompanied by four Mar-a-Lago women, Trump dismissed reports that he had lifted economic sanctions on Russia right before the midterm elections because Putin had threatened to release damaging videos of him misbehaving in Moscow:

That’s another witch hunt and more fake news from the failing New York Times. SAD!!! Putin and I are both stable geniuses. So we naturally think alike. The only real difference is that everyone knows that I am a huge, huge man and will look incredible on Mount Rushmore.

A lot of people are saying that, after I get re-elected in 2028, I should deport everyone at the Times to Russia or North Korea. We’ll see what happens. Right now, I just want to take a nap and play golf.